Hello, Lovely Soul Drop! How are you? How was your week? Finally, I got some time to write in here. I’m never quite sure what I’m going to type about, but I end up doing so anyways. Today I feel like expressing myself about mental health…quite a broad topic, huh? It’s one that has always been linked to my life…and probably will stay like that forever.
This blog began as a way to share my experiences with others offering tips or reflections about my life. It sounds arrogant for me right now. I wanted to help whoever read this to feel better, to distract them, or maybe even to prompt them to think about their own existence. However, now that I write for you at this precise moment in time…this is also a place where I can talk without being judged. Or at least it feels that way.
It sounds messy, doesn’t it? I begin talking about mental health and end up explaining why I began my blog in the first place. That’s exactly how my brain works. I was diagnosed with BDP (Borderline Personality Disorder) not long ago. The diagnosis itself doesn’t mean anything. We can make the mistake of looking at the definition and start relating to traits that weren’t there in the first place, although it does help with understanding the ones that made the therapist arrive to the diagnosis. What’s most important is to understand how you specifically work, not how the book says you work.
In my personal case, my mind is erratic and so are my emotions. I feel everything to the extreme. I can get infuriated by the minimum changes in my day, or fall into a deep depression due to a minor setback. My hypersensivity shows up in my emotions, but also in my physical senses. I can easily feel overloaded by sensorial stimuli such as sounds, scents, flavors, and light. I remember the time my school had a festival and I had to go home ten minutes later.
The stench of freshly painted walls, the bright lights and colors that turned on and off, the loud voices and the deafening music made me feel like I was going to die right there and then. If you feel like I’m exaggerating, well…I’m not. That’s how I felt. I find experiencing the world exhausting, so I often find myself numb or wishing to die so I can be free of the sensations. Talking about death, yes that’s another of my frequent mental issues.
My mind judges everything in black and white, everything is extreme. One day I feel the heroine of the world and you should all be ashamed for not liking me, the next I’m drowning in a guilt-driven self-hatred crisis. I made a mistake so I’m pure evil and deserve punishment. Which consciously, I know it makes no sense, but I still feel that way. That’s why I’m constantly leaning on “facts over feelings” because if I trust the emotions rather than the empirical facts…I am a monster that deserves torture.
I have been travelling the maze that is my mind for a long time. As a kid I didn’t have many friends, as an adult I don’t either. I don’t trust others easily, and I never trust myself entirely. I have spent most of my life trying to figure out how I work and what works the best for me. I wish to conquer myself, befriend myself, and carry myself with kindness. It has been quite the battle! I’m constantly exhausted, but I’m not giving up.
Sometimes I feel like there is no solution for my issues, that I was born broken and there’s nothing we can do. Sometimes I feel like I care too much, that I’m stupid and I should just live like everyone else. Not today, today I know I will look back and smile proudly! I’ll pat myself on the back for finding my way. For building myself up. I know I can do this. Tomorrow? Who knows.
Each day is different. In some I’m up, I’m some I’m down, in others I have found myself in a whole new dimension…and that’s alright. Each journey is different, each path has their twists and turns. Keep going, you’re worth the travel. I’m proud of you because you have overcome so much, and you’re still here. So let’s keep going, and find our own love vitamins to thrive. This path is my own, right or wrong, is mine.
Podcast episodes:
Let’s Connect Monday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-Connect-Monday-50---Truly-free-ev6lto
Let’s be Kind Thursday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-be-Kind-Thursday-48--Safe-space-meditation-evdrat