Hello, Lovely Soul Drop! How are you feeling?
I’m disappointed in myself because I have been lying to myself. Have I been keeping my working out routine? Nope. Have I avoided sugar as much as I should have? Nope! Have I been following my project schedule? Also no! So yeah, I’m not precisely proud of myself at the moment.
I was going to avoid writing here, but I’m done running away. Starting new stages in our lives is always messy, and if anyone knows how strong self-sabotage can be…that’s me! I’m an expert at self-sabotage. Ever since I was put up for adoption as a baby I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness or love. I felt abandoned, rejected, and unworthy. This is super sad because my biological mother left me behind as an act of LOVE, not as an act of hate or rejection. Consciously I know all of this, yet our unconscious mind is tricky. Once I wired my brain to shoot myself in the foot it’s been really hard to change the wiring.
Turns out? I’m not the only one getting in my way. For those of you who don’t know, I used to be a raging Social Justice Warrior that despised the world and acted self-righteous all the time. I wasn’t nice to be around. Why did I fall into their ideology so easily? It fed into my self-hatred, my fear of being rejected, and dig into my wounds. I was vulnerable, depressed, and full of resentment. I felt like a victim of life. Why was I abandoned? Why did my father die so young? Why did my siblings reject me? Why was I bullied, alienated, and looked down upon? Yes, I had many reasons to suffer…but I wasn’t a victim. I’m still not a victim.
Instead of learning how to socialize, I wondered why others didn’t like me. Instead of working on my emotional intelligence, I expected others to protect my emotions. I remember reading a Wattpad book where all the characters kill themselves and I sent a super long message to the author attacking her for not having a trigger warning anywhere. An ideology that took responsibility away from me, that fed into my pain, and allowed me to self-sabotage myself away…was the perfect poison for me.
When I see people fall into extremism I try to remind myself there is a reason for it. The issue is far more complex than we usually think. People aren’t born extremists. They become radicalized through various experiences. I had to interact with those “I hated” to understand I was making a mistake by generalizing those groups. My religion teacher was key to getting me outside my echo chamber. I snapped at him I was an Atheist to get him angry…and then he gave me a loving smile. He told me those who claim to be open-minded are the most close-minded. He was right. I was close-minded. I also had a personality disorder that made see the world in black and white. Thanks to ten years of therapy I'm recovered!
I hope to change, improve, and learn. I want to create spaces where diversity of thought, mental health, self-improvement, kindness, and critical thinking are the core values. Those are my goals. My journey continues, thanks for coming along.
Facebook group where Empathy and Critical thinking meet: https://www.facebook.com/groups/870922204131258/
Let’s Connect Monday: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/GMaZi96Jexb
Let’s be Kind Thursday: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/GrUI866Jexb