Hello, Lovely Soul Drop! How are you feeling today? Take a time to check in with yourself.
Done?
Great!
Today, I’m in more pain than usual. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel pain at all, and as weird as it may sound that’s how fibromyalgia warriors and other people with chronic pain live their lives. I’m happy, and I love my life. How could I live with so much pain and still smile? I’m not an alien, I don’t have superhuman strength, and I’m certainly not enlightened. I’m a simple human being trying to live her best life.
Living in pain can be lonely at times. Unless you have a similar experience of being young and feeling like your great-grandparent it’s hard to wrap your head around someone who looks youthful and feels so old physically. I’m in my early twenties, but I feel exactly like my mom in her sixties does. I don’t want you to feel bad about me though. I don’t want or need anyone’s pity.
When we share our experiences we are trying to connect with others. Show them an experience that might seem alien to them, and try to broaden their perspective as other experiences have broadened our own. I’m in the process of accepting I’m disabled, and that disability doesn’t mean non-ability as in I can’t do it. I CAN do it. I just need to do so differently. I had to miss class today, as I have done many times before. My grades are still outstanding because I study at home and ask both, my teachers and classmates, to fill me in when the pain keeps me from assisting to class.
It might feel strange having to explain to others how you work, yet this is crucial for letting others know how they can help you. They might completely ignore it, but still, most people I have met are willing to lend a hand as long as you let them know what you need. Friends, peers, superiors, family, no one can read your mind. Most people need you to explain what you need from them, and that’s perfectly alright.
My chronic pain has humbled me. I have learned to be vulnerable in front of others, and admit I need help. Trust me! It has been such a roller coaster. At first, I preferred to walk swaying from side to side like a drunk instead of telling someone the light was blinding me and I needed help getting around. I now rock amazing sunglasses when my photosensitivity is too strong. Disability can be stylish; you know?
I have learned to organize myself better and prioritize activities. I have cute soft clothes I can use to go out when I’m too sensitive to use rougher clothes and still want to look amazing. I weigh how many spoons or energy I have for the day so I can focus on the truly important tasks. That means more time focusing on my goals instead of browsing online aimlessly. Chronic pain made me more productive, not less.
Communicating my feelings and emotions is now second nature to me. My interactions overall have improved drastically due to my better communication skills. I feel friendlier, braver, more confident, and frankly more charismatic. I build stronger bonds because I’m willing to listen better and share my needs. I have also learned to recognize true friendships from those superficial ones that only serve for small talk. Since living with chronic pain and chronic fatigue can feel lonely, it also teaches you to look for more authentic connections.
I’m not going to lie. It can be awful at times. I’ll cry, I’ll scream, I’ll feel hopeless, I’ll feel anger, disappointment, regret, fear, and so much more. It’s not fun to be sick, and I can’t pretend it’s always easy because it’s not. Every single day is a battle against myself. I also have a personality disorder which makes the process even harder. I’m not trying to say my life is all roses and rainbows, but then again… who’s is it? Everyone struggles. Everyone has their own battle to fight. I can’t change my present or exchange my brain for one that works as smoothly as someone else’s. I can’t control what I feel or my conditions. However, I can learn to live with them. I can learn to manage my pain, take care of myself, handle the fatigue, and smile through the storm.
Yes, I’m in pain every waking moment of my life, and even though it’s hard sometimes I’m grateful for what I have learned. I’m truly a warrior, and so are you. I have found so many wonderful Lovely Soul Drops on my journey. I can still dance, laugh, cry, scream, experience, touch, learn, grow…I’m still alive. I still have an opportunity to make my existence into art. As long as I live, I will continue to transform my shadows and lights into the beautiful masterpiece we can all create.
Thank you for reading, thank you for giving me a voice, and thank you for existing.
-With much love,
Belle Moon.
Podcast episodes:
Let’s Connect Monday:https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-Connect-Monday-83--Baby-steps-e1hkuqt
Let’s be Kind Thursday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-be-Kind-Thursday-78--Get-to-know-happiness-e1hq3it
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