Is it really? I have heard from various people that love is either dead or useless. Of course, most of the time they are referring to Eros, or sexual love. Today, I heard “all men are awful” and “women just want to play with your heart” as I walked through the campus of my university. Around us people don’t trust Eros or Pragma (long standing love) too much, but I did notice we still trust Philia to keep us from sinking into the dark depths of our minds.
Friendship is truly magical, and not only because My Little Pony taught me it is. I have a firm belief that I can survive without a marital relationship, but I could never survive without friends. They are always there for me when I need a reminder of the world’s beauty. Their kindness, their patience, their attentiveness, and their beautiful souls make my life one worth experiencing. I do not have many true friends. I know a lot of wonderful people that I get along with, however, I don’t consider just anyone a true friend.
My life was marked by loss from the very beginning. I can’t trust easily, and I need a lot of time to actually click with someone enough for me to confide in them. Philia like Eros are built with time, care, dedication, and empathy. I barely get along with myself, how am I supposed to get along with other people without any issues? Humans are complex! We have so many flaws, and we are hormonal instinctive creatures who forget what rational thinking is sometimes. Those friends I can trust, understand, care for, and deeply connect with, are more valuable than diamonds themselves.
So Philia is alive and kicking, Eros and Pragma are elusive for some and clear as day for others. What about Agape or Philautia? The first refers to the selfless love we experience before strangers or the world itself, while Philautia is the love of the self. I believe both are still alive, but they have suffered a lot throughout our History. How can we strengthen their influence in our lives?
Agape is hard to experience because humans have a hard time accepting those who we don’t consider part of our group of belonging. Extremism usually is born from lack of empathy, even from those who claim to understand or care for you the most. We already know racism, mysoginy, homophobia, and xenophobia are wrong. Yet, who is standing up against sexism against men? Racism against white people? Attacking Christians? Empathy should be for everyone, including those we disagree with. True Agape is born when we understand all humans are flawed, we are all trying our best, and no one knows the absolute truth. I am not morally superior to anyone else, and I have no right to judge others without being perfect myself. Who knows if I would have done the same in their place if I had walked in their shoes?
In all honesty, I don’t love everyone, but I don’t think I truly hate anyone either. Not even those who hurt me. The world might look hostile sometimes, full of rage, gaping wounds, and unfading scars. Nevertheless, I always find a reason to keep my faith in humanity. Every single day I encounter a kind stranger, and decide to focus on that memory. Do I find awful strangers? Clearly, but I won’t give them more energy than they require. I just hope they heal, grow, and improve. No sane person can be truly happy by attacking others. As a guru once said “There aren't good and bad people, there are happy and miserable people”.
On the other hand, how can we strengthen our Philautia? The same empathy, compassion, and sympathy we are supposed to give our fellow humans…we are supposed to give to ourselves. We are flawed, but we are wonderful. Find kind voices who appreciate your unique spark, and try incorporating them to your inner voice. I screenshot chats in which my loved ones remind me how much they love me, I take pictures with those who spend quality time with me, and every single day I work on being gentler to myself. Love, regardless of the type, requires effort. The same energy you give to Philia, Eros, Agape, and Pragma you should give to Philautia.
The magical nature of love is that regardless of the type you cultivate, you will learn to cultivate the others, and very soon your life will be filled with all kinds of love. If you feel like one of them is missing, treat it like a plant in your garden and tend to it so it can grow. I know you can do it!!
Happy Valentine’s,
Belle Moon.
Podcasts:
Let’s Connect Monday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-Connect-Monday-77--Curiosity-saved-the-cat-e1e2msc
Let’s be Kind Thursday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-be-Kind-Thursday72--You-should-feel-proud-of-yourself-e1dse98