Hello, Lovely Soul Drop!!
Today, I realized my life is like a romantic comedy where the shy insecure girl loves herself and finds the love of her life. Truth is? My life has had drama, comedy, horror, thriller, mystery, history, and even fantasy! Everyone’s life is a mix of all these genres. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I even hear the background music or sound effects in the back of my mind. This is the truth about being born an outcast and finding love.
Yes, I was born different. My biological mother had to have a C-section because I refused to turn upside down as a baby and would die if she gave birth to me naturally. As a kid, I preferred hanging around adults instead of others my age. No one my age seemed to be interested in the same topics I was. When I got to school, I quickly became the “genius weird girl” who fascinated my teachers but got weird looks from my classmates. I was too honest, spoke without a filter, did not understand social cues, walked on the top of my tip-toes by accident, hated being touched if I didn’t start the interaction myself, and earned myself a group of bullies before I had a group of friends. I preferred to read or draw by myself during recess than play with the other girls. Of course, I was also the teacher’s pet who never talked in class unless it was with my teachers about a topic that sparked my attention. However, if something didn’t catch my interest I had the attention span of a mosquito with ADHD.
My mind was clearly different, but my body was too. I was hypersensitive, felt things others couldn’t, and my emotions were extreme yes…but so were my senses. I was diagnosed with migraines at 7 years old, and I had to go to physical therapy to learn how to walk properly. My clumsiness got me thousands of bruises and various scars. In conclusion, between my personality and my body I earned the title of the weird one quite easily. Back then, for girls to like anime, K-pop, or games was strange. I also rejected Christianity very young, so I became a mix of Wicca, Buddhist, and Daoist at 8 years old. My father adored me anyways, and he treated me just like he treated my half brothers, so my being masculine or not traditionally feminine was never an issue for him. He died when I was ten though, so my safe space was gone. Don’t worry, this story has a happy ending! Or a happy on-going present.
I realized I was bisexual when I met a girl at karate and was dying to date her. She never paid attention to me, yet a bit later I asked out my best friend, and she said yes! The lovely relationship lasted…a day. I found out our families were not happy with our sexualities, and neither was our school. We could be expelled for having a relationship, so I broke up with her fearing I would ruin her life by being in love with her. I met my first boyfriend a tad later, and one of my classmates said “If YOU have a boyfriend and I don’t, then what the hell am I doing wrong?!”. They said I was making everything up, but I wasn’t. He’s still my friend actually, hi Pichi!! He’s amazing and knows my husband. So…despite the roller coaster that was my love life I did find the love of my life.
Alex is an Autistic artist full of passion for geek culture and movies, of course, he was the weirdo at school too. He was even a bully!! Today? He’s a graphic designer and my lovely husband. It’s thanks to his strange brain, mind, and body that we understand each other so well. No one else has ever had the care, attention, compassion, and empathy he does for me. I look at him and still wonder if he’s even real. His energy is feminine, mine is masculine, he is shy, and I talk too much, but we balance each other out. Is he perfect? Far from it. Our love story began with him confessing, me rejecting him, and even threatening to cut myself again or something. The psycho. He told me he didn’t care, that he would kiss my scars, and so he did. Our first months together were full of tears: happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, anxiety tears, this-is-so-cute tears, and whatever other tears you can imagine. We don’t cry as much now, but we know each other’s demons very well. We fight, we argue, and we accidentally hurt each other…but we always try our best to fix it with love and care. This is our fairy tale life. It’s more like a dark fantasy book, but I adore it.
I truly love myself now. Each day I learn how to love myself a little better, and it's been 3 months since I last cut myself. I’m proud of myself! I also found the best friends ever. They are all a bunch of freaks, and that’s freaking amazing. This Friday I will be celebrating my adoption anniversary with the closest ones to me minus my best friend who lives in Croatia and my online friends I also consider family. I found love. I built a good relationship with my mom, found friends, built a loving relationship, and fell in love with myself. The road was a little more than bumpy, but it has been worth it.
Anyone can turn their life around. There are happy endings, happy beginnings, and happy in-the-moments. I hope you find yours!! The truth about love is that it's messy, it takes time, it takes effort, and it takes daily choices to make it grow in and around you. Love is not something you find, it's something you build day by day. Let's build a loving world together.
Thank you for reading!!
With much love, Belle Moon.
Podcast Episodes:
Let’s Connect Monday (The gift of shadows):https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-Connect-Monday-98--The-gift-of-shadows-e1o2hmq
Let’s be Kind Thursday (Balance is key):https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-be-Kind-Thursday-93--Balance-is-the-key-e1o7bi8