Hello, Lovely Soul Drop! How are you? Here I am again! Even if I can’t seem to work on my novel right now; I can try to share short stories and my words with you.
I’m inside an entirely white room I had never seen before. My eyes seem to have a hard time focusing, and I can’t really feel my feet. Where am I?
- “What…what’s going on?”-the room is starting to fill with a red liquid- “Is this…blood?!”-
- “Laura! Wake up!”-my roommate shakes me awake. That…was only a nightmare.
Norman looks at me with furrowed eyebrows. After fifteen minutes of me convincing him I’m alright we go get breakfast together.
- “Did you dream about her…?”-his voice is gentle, and I know he means no harm.
- “No, it wasn’t about Hailey. I’m over her! We broke up two months ago already. There are plenty of great people out there…”-I trail off while twirling a strand of black hair until my finger almost turns black too.
- “Lau…you don’t have to be brave with me. I helped you treat that broken lip. Have you talked about it with your therapist already?”-
- “I’m late for work”-
Leaving behind a half-finished bowl of cereal I rush outside. Another day working myself to the bone. Another day running away from I know it’s about to boil over within me. I’m grateful when I realize Norman is out with friends when I come back. A quiet night watching anime might be just what I need.
-“You’re worthless. I now know why your mother abandoned you! You disgust me”-
-“Then why do you waste your time with me?!”-
- “Because I pity you! That’s why!”-
She disappears, her image replaced by the one of my mother walking away from me. I scream at the top of my lungs, but I can’t hear myself. Why are you going? Why are you leaving?
This is the same white room…
I can’t hold them back anymore. I can feel my tears starting to roll down my cheeks, my nose becomes clogged, and my breathing is ragged. I’m going to drown. The water is going up!! I’m going to drown!!
Please…someone…anyone!! I don’t want to die. I know I said I did, but I don’t! It just hurts so much to exist with a constant reminder of my pain. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
-“Laura!!”-
-“N…Norman?”-my throat burns, my chest is tight.
- “Hey there…it’s me. Sshh, sshh, sshh, you’re alright. You’re safe now”-he cradles me in his arms allowing me to slump like a ragdoll. I shut my eyes as I continue to weep like a baby.
- “I’m so sorry…”-
- “Please don’t be. It’s alright to cry. Are you alright?”-
- “I…no, but I know I will be”-
- “Come, you want to take a walk? It’s cool and breezy outside just how you like it. You can even use my sweater”-
I bury my hands in his pockets as we walk through the city busy with nocturnal life. Watching the cars go by while he quietly guides me to my favorite place relaxes me. We sit down at the small café which is now filled with jazz music and a vanilla scent.
-“I don’t deserve a friend like you”-I comment looking down at the matcha latte he bought for me.
- “That’s where you’re wrong! You deserve this and much more. Laura, you’re one of my best friends and you have always been kind, attentive, creative, smart, and fun, what else could anyone desire? You’ve got it all! I’m serious…this is not just to make you feel better. When my parents divorced and Sophia cheated on me you were right there by my side. You convinced me to go to therapy…you saved my life, Laura. Why are you always so kind to others but never to yourself? Jason, Mark, Patricia, Hailey…all of your partners have been jerks. It’s like you believe you don’t deserve more…”-
-“Norman…”-his image blurries.
-“Sorry, I’m not someone to judge. I know it’s tough to accept you deserve love and happiness”-
-“I don’t feel judged…I know it’s true. I truly want …to live a good life…a…and”-my voice cracks. I look down to avoid his gaze. His hand takes mine and squeezes gently.
- “You know? If you don’t allow yourself to cry from time to time that gets accumulated inside of you, and you feel like you will drown. As ugly as you might look crying, it truly helps us heal…besides I’m always crying alone when the dog dies!”-
I laugh hard and then allow myself to let go. I have no idea how much time has passed, but I don’t mind either. My head hurts, my eyes are huge and puffy, yet my chest feels so light. We walk together back home, and watch a movie together.
Oh no…is the same white room. I’m tired of this! I’m tired of feeling tired! I’m tired of the pain! As my tears begin to hit the ground beautiful flowers come to life. Before my astonished eyes the whole room turns into a breathtaking garden. I smile and finally slip into the darkness.
The scent of pancakes wakes me up. I stand up to help Norman in the kitchen.
-”Good morning! How do you feel?”-
-”I feel like I actually slept! Um, Nor?”-
-”Yes, Lau?”-
-”You were right…I don’t want my tears to drown me, so I’ll use them to water my garden”-
Hope you liked it!! Remember to allow yourself to feel, and then use it to your advantage.
With much love,
Belle Moon.
Podcast episodes:
Let’s Connect Monday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-Connect-Monday-83--Baby-steps-e1hkuqt
Let’s be Kind Thursday: https://anchor.fm/bellemoon99/episodes/Lets-be-Kind-Thursday-76--Why-youre-important-e1h70kf